Funny Poems and JOKES

[iamafan]

OHHHHH!!!!I GET IT NOW!!!!!ahahahahahahahaha!
=]

[nutz4hpotter6]

I'm glad you liked it. I don't have anymore right now but hopefully someone else will.

[iamafan]

i saw this one joke site on google but i cant remember it.. ill look it up again...

[lupinlover]

Here's a joke that I found from a Google search:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[nutz4hpotter6]

Haha lol That one was good. I liked it. I need to google some jokes or funny poems on line. Thanks for sharing.

[iamafan]

ahahaha!i love that!i'll be like that when i get all old and wrinkly!lol!
here is one i found

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

[nutz4hpotter6]

lol. That was good too. I love those jokes. thanks for the laughs and sharing it.

[iamafan]

no problem!there was this really good PG one,but if i posted it here i might get a warning or something but ill put up another one.i hope this one is ok it's rated PG!


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. On his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[lupinlover]

LOL!!!! That's hilarious! I would have been SO embarassed if that was me!!!!

[nutz4hpotter6]

LOL That was excellent. I loved it. I am surprised none of the guests got up from their seats or said anything.

[iamafan]

if i were on of the guest i would be roaring with laughter and trying to run out of the room without sufficating!and im supprised that the wife didn't smell anything.

[nutz4hpotter6]

okay here is a joke for you guys enjoy:

An APB on God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Here is another one:

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

And another:

What's for Dinner?

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

and another:

Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Okay that is all for now.!!

[iamafan]

ahaha!i love them all!espeacially the one where the old women says her memory is perfect,then knocks on wodd and asks who is there.if your memory was great why would you ask who was at the door in a resturant?!

[nutz4hpotter6]

I know. I was cracking up when I read them. I have more but will post them at a different time. I found them at another site. I made sure that they were clean too.

[lupinlover]

LOL! Those were all very funny. I've read the old ladies one before in an e-mail that was sent to me, but it's still funny.